Title: Christmas Bizarre
Author: Lizz Lund
Genre: Humorous Mystery; Cozy Mystery
What do Santa’s Sidekick, a dead lawyer and a geriatric vampire have in common? Meet Mina Kitchen–a forty-something single who finds trouble quicker than she can whip up a batch of breakfast breads. Plural. Her catering disorder runs neck-and-neck with her weird luck, and her cat’s weirder tendency toward gnawing elf gear. Okay, and getting kidnapped a couple of times in one week is a little strange, too.
I slipped into a panic and ran around the basement like my hair was on fire. I stubbed my toe and fell onto a workhorse, throwing planks and hardware everywhere.
Bernie stood with his hands on his hips, shaking his head. “I’m a vampire, Tina, we don’t do sex. Truth is, we can’t.”
“Fabulous. Dolores must be thrilled.”
“It’s not my fault!”
“Of course not. It happens to a lot of men your age.”
“You don’t understand. We’re separated!”
“I’m not sorry! I did it on purpose! To save her! In case I forgot myself.”
“Forgot yourself?” I asked, immediately wishing I’d kept my big mouth shut.
“I couldn’t suck the life blood out of my better half, could I? It’s not her fault I turned into a vampire. We’ve been married for fifty-three years!”
“Congratulate me in the afterlife, you stupid blood-pumping piece of flesh!” Bernie lunged at me, and we went tumbling. My head narrowly missed a pile of broken cinderblock, and connected with the cement floor instead.
I blinked a few times as I came to, dimly realizing that Bernie was sucking on my neck.
“Yecch!” I pushed him off and shoved him away. “What the hell are you doing?”
“You have no teeth!”
“Crap. You’re right. I left them upstairs in the glass. Be right back.” He hustled away for his gun and leaped up the steps, locking the door behind him.
I rubbed my neck and wiped away his spit. “Pretty spry for an old guy.”
“Quick! Can you barricade the door?” Tina asked.
I grabbed the flashlight and looked around. “There’s a bunch of cinderblocks, but I don’t think I have time to lift enough of them. Besides I can barely see.”
Tina thumped her head against the pole. “My luck, I gonna die with a stiff and a piss bucket while you get gummed to death.”
“I know, I know. This is pretty bad.”
Tina stopped thumping and sat up a bit. “The delivery place is going to be looking for that guy, sooner or later. What we need to do is guarantee us being here later.”
“So this is what you’re gonna do…”
Christmas in July Fete Sackful of Giveaways:
Grand Prize: $75 USD Amazon Gift Card
FREE e-copies of Christmas Bizarre July 19-22 (click buy link below to take advantage)
(plus more prizes…)
Starts July 1, 2017 12:01 am EST and ends August 1, 2017 12:00 am EST
Author’s Favorite Holiday Food/Tradition:
Glugg (without lighting my eyebrows on fire). “It’s A Wonderful Life” and “Best Years of Our Lives” followed by Cosmos and stand-up comic binge watching…
Lizz Lund loves Lancaster. Since 1999, she’s been having a terrific time here and thinks everyone else should, too. Lizz grew up in New Jersey and imported her chef husband from their old stomping grounds – he still hasn’t recovered. She holds a BA in Musical Theatre from Syracuse University, but has never learned to waitress–although she knows, “it’s an art.”
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